State of the Gang’s League 1

My fellow owners:

Thank you for attention and hard fantasy work throughout the season.  You all exemplify the principles on which our league was founded: hard work, patriotism, a belief in a Christian God, and the evil of platooning running backs that threatens our league each week.  I am here tonight to speak of the past and point to the future.  Similar to Obama’s health care insurance plan, for those of you who have had success so far, you may keep your teams and continued to succeed.  For those who have fallen on hard times, I will skip over the details and promise greener fields ahead.

There are two teams that are tied for the best record:  Chicago Riots (David “Money Shot” Ubelhor) and La Maquina Ultimo (Brad “Wild Turkey” Doherty), both at 4-2.

The Chicago Riots have been led by the consistent play (until last week) of Eli Manning and the always-terrifying Titans defense.  But the Chicago Riots have been fortunate, winning by an average of 6 points a game and winning three games by four points or less. Fantasy football can be a fickle beast and only time will tell if fortune will continue to shine on the Riots.

La Maquina Ultimo has endured a season of injury, particularly to Brian Westbrook, Marques Colston, and Joey Galloway.  Above-par play from Reggie Bush and Brett Favre has helped keep the team afloat. La Maquina Ultimo have scored the third most points in the league and average 87 points a game.  Team owner Brad Doherty looks primed for a tight race with Dave Ubelhor for the Division 2 crown.

After La Maquina Ultimo and the Chicago Riots, there lay a slew of teams who have struggled to .500 starts.  In Division 1, the Malicious Mustaches (Andrew “Commish” Foster), Green Bay Gradys (Nick “Shady” Grady), Angmar Wraiths (James “Cubs Downer” Thomason) and Team Foster (John “Big Papi” Foster) are all tied for the division lead at 3-3.  Division 2 teams Evansville Thunderbolts (Bob “Rough and Tumble” Exline) and Team Lampert (Nate “Barbarossa” Lampert) sit one game back of Doherty and Ubelhor for the Division 2 pennant.

For the scruffy warriors, their season could only be described as the best of times and the worst of times, to borrow from Mr. Dickinson.  The Malicious Mustaches have scored the second most points this year at 555, averaging 92.5 per game.  Unfortunately for them, they have also allowed 96.17 points per game, losing twice to the team with most points that week.  With standouts Brandon Marshall and Clinton Portis, they still are force to be reckoned with in Division 1, if bipolar scorers Larry Johnson and Andre Johnson develop consistency.  When reached for comment, team owner Andrew Foster said, “When do I get to abuse my Commissioner powers and make sure I win every game?”

For a similar story, we turn to the Evansville Thunderbolts.  Scoring two more points than the Malicious Mustaches, good for the league best, they linger at 3-3 in Division 2.   Winning two games by 5 points or less and losing one game by three points, leaves the Evansville Thunderbolts pondering what team will show up from week to week.  But leading the league in points is never a bad thing, and surprising team leaders Jay Cutler and Matt Forte hope to lead the Thunderbolts to a come from behind division title.

The Green Bay Gradys story begins with three letters: ACL.  As in, Tom Brady only has one good one.  With the Green Bay Gradys number one pick falling in the first week, many would have left them for dead.  But Nick Grady’s team has rebounded nicely, led by A-Rodg (Aaron Rodgers) and Michael Turner, averaging 20.4 and 16.0 points per game, respectively.  The Gradys have won in convincing fashion too, with an average victory of 28 points per game.

Ingenuity, thy name is Team Foster.  With only one player (Brandon Jacobs) averaging more than 10 points a game, Team Foster has had to find unique ways to win. Averaging 8 points per victory and scoring the third least amount of points the team has managed wins against similarly ranked Angmar Wraiths and Team Lampert.  Team Foster has battled inconsistent play from Derek Anderson and Willis McGahee and could be a formidable team when those leaders step up.

James Thomason’s Angmar Wraiths have been nothing if balanced.  Facing a platooned Maurice Jones-Drew and slumping Peyton Manning, the Wraiths have had surprising performances from Ronnie Brown and Santana Moss.  The Wraiths have scored 520 points this year and will be even more formidable with a surging Manning and improving Steven Jackson leading the way.

Team Lampert must have a stash of lucky leprechauns somewhere, as by any estimation he has been pretty lucky this year.  Averaging only 71.2 points per game and winning three times without scoring more than 89 points, Team Lampert must be thanking its lucky stars to be sitting at 3-3.  Team Lampert has been plagued with underachieving wide outs, with Marvin Harrison, Randy Moss and T.J. Houshmandzadeh averaging less than 10 points a game.  With this slow of a start, Team Lampert can only go up, especially with the outstanding play of Drew Brees and possible trade chip Philip Rivers.

Despite disappointing starts, I’m Gonna Butter Ur Bread (Cory “Margarine, really” Elsfelder) and Why so Serious? (Michael “TO is my homeboy” Foster) have to feel good. Only being 1 game and 2 games out (respectively) at 2-4, both teams are one hot streak away from the top of the division standings.

This is especially true for Why so Serious?.  Jumping out to a 2-0 start and averaging a respectable 82 points a game, the team can only improve with better play from Terrell Owens and the oft-injured Willie Parker.  Tony Romo, averaging 19.2 points a game, leads the team and can be especially deadly when coupled with Owens.  These two, along with solid play from Steve Slaton and a heating up Steve Smith, make this team dangerous from week to week.

For team I’m Gonna Butter Ur Bread, expectations were high at the beginning of the year.  With the first pick, Eslfelder’s team drafted fantasy stud LaDainian Tomlinson and dreamt of playoff victories.  Reality has been something different, with Tomlinson struggling through the beginning of the year and a lasting injury to Carson Palmer holding back the team.  Through the first 5 games, I’m Gonna Butter Ur Bread only averaged 73.2 points per game but exploded with a 147-point week, good for the single highest week this year and a new optimistic outlook.

In general, the league has been a place of parity.  Week 1 ended with Division 2 winning 4/5 against Division 1.  The next week, Division 1 redeemed itself, and the entire league was 1-1 except for the Chicago Riots (2-0) and I’m Gonna Butter Ur Bread (0-2).  Past the halfway point, the league leaders are only 2 games of head of the bottom of the standings.

This should lead to some exciting matchups to come.  Can Ubelhor and Doherty hold on to their lead?  Who in Division 1 will separate itself from the pack?  With everything so close, we are a couple of major injuries or breakout performances from having totally different standings by the end of the regular season.

So my fellow owners, in closing, I say ask not what your fantasy running backs can do for you, ask what you can do for your fantasy running backs.  I am sure Marion Barber could use a foot rub.

(Moderately) good luck for the rest of the year,

Andrew